Xenophobe's Guide to the Italians Read online

  Taking life easy and being seen to take things easy, whether you are at the beach, in the disco or even at work, is part of bella figura, which explains why Italians are often happy to work in jobs that might seem very boring, such as lifeguards or security guards. There they can be on show all the time and be seen to be looking good and taking it easy – on the beach, or hanging around the bank looking important dressed up as a gunslinger. It doesn’t matter that the job is not so pleasant in winter, nor whether the guard is actually able or even allowed to use the gun, as long as he looks the part.

  Nowhere can this be seen better than in the world of sport. It makes no difference if you can’t swim very well, for that sub-aqua course you must have the right clothes and gear and style and you must look and act like a sub-aqua diver. This is why the latest fashion is important, for it makes your performance more convincing. Many Italian lofts are full of sportswear and gear, bought at great expense, but abandoned because they are out of date or their owner has taken up another activity.

  “Sports are often taken up just for the look.”

  Sports are often taken up just for the look. Cross-country skiing enjoyed a boom when skin-tight Lycra ski-suits were invented. It was worth braving the freezing cold and the physical agony of this tiring sport for a couple of hours in order to be able to show off in the bar afterwards (and it might even have been good for your health, too).

  Italians are very observant of how other people dress, particularly foreigners who are generally considered to dress badly. During the Second World War the Allied prisoners of war who managed to escape from prison camps had far more problems travelling in Italy than in any other country in Europe. The suits and clothes they made from their uniforms, sheets and blankets often took in the Germans, but rarely fooled the Italians.

  The price rises that came with the euro have alarmed the population. Many shopkeepers ignored the official exchange rate and simply knocked off one zero (so that 1000 lire became 1.00 euro), thus doubling their profit at one stroke. But of even greater concern to the smart set is the effect of the new currency on their appearance. Unlike the old Italian paper money, it has lots of chunky coins, thus ruining the style of figure-hugging designer jeans with unseemly bulges in the pockets.

  Status and success

  Italians are not in the least bit snobbish, and their only real social divisions are based on wealth. Those who have money, even temporarily, may spend it and flaunt it where and how they like. They will be treated as potentates – as long as they have enough, of course.

  “The one thing that captures the imagination of Italian males far more than the dream of being a star footballer is owning a major football team.”

  The one thing that captures the imagination of Italian males far more than the dream of being a star footballer is owning a major football team. As a business, everyone knows it’s unprofitable, but as an image-booster, it’s the tops. It is not by chance that the Agnelli family (of Fiat fame) are at the helm of Turin’s Juventus, and it was not sufficient for the highest flying arrivista (parvenu) of his generation and the wealthiest man in Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, to own major media networks; he had to buy A.C. Milan in order to be seen as a real success.

  Allegria

  Allegria is a general effervescence and delight in living that is not easy for the outsider to penetrate. It is linked to the joy of being and tends to involve sunshine, company and collective high spirits and it is why Italians so often seem to be laughing and smiling together.

  “Allegria is linked to the joy of being and tends to involve sunshine, company and collective high spirits.”

  Allegria is infectious and not sharing in it is regarded as bad form. All those attending that big family picnic in the mountains will demonstrate allegria in a big way, roaring with laughter at Uncle Gianni’s imitation of Aunt Rita sitting down on a cactus by mistake, even if they have heard the story countless times before.

  The counterpart of allegria is a depressing form of melancholy and suffering that visitors are usually spared, since it is often brought on by the damp, cold weather of late autumn and coincides with the seasonal increase in prices and taxes. But generally speaking, the Italians tend to look on the bright side of life – a positive outlook aptly illustrated by their touching salutation: ‘May the saddest days of your future be the happiest days of your past.’

  Behaviour

  The art of getting by

  Italians are past masters at arrangiarsi (getting by), and at home and in communities abroad have always been famous for their ability to make the best of their situation. This is due to the fact that, more often than not, they have had to.

  “Italians are past masters at arrangiarsi (getting by).”

  For example, when the traffic is held up by two drivers having a long conversation because they haven’t seen each other since the day before, those in the traffic queue will make the most of the moment by fiercely sounding their horns and hurling insults, or reading their newspapers, or making phone calls while using the rear-view mirror to preen.

  At one time, when, through a mixture of governmental incompetence and bureaucratic venality, Italy suffered a shortage of small change, the Italians just shrugged their shoulders and used boiled sweets instead.

  Giving presents

  The Italians are generous people, but their generosity should be accepted with caution, for no present in Italy comes without strings attached. Italian life and power are based on a system of gifts and favours. The moment someone accepts a gift, he owes the giver a favour and has concluded an agreement that lasts a lifetime. So when one Italian gives another a lift to the station or the telephone number of a good eye specialist, sooner or later he will expect something back.

  Driving

  “Driving is the area of his life where the Italian male feels he can properly express himself.”

  Driving is the area of his life where the Italian male feels he can properly express himself. Ask what he means by a good driver or a beautiful road and he will wax poetic. He will tell you that a good driver is one who drives at speed from A to B, ensuring the maximum pleasure and comfort of his passengers, not braking too often, not driving over bumps or holes but slaloming round them, driving, in short, like a Ferrari Formula One team member. A beautiful road is a wide, well-cambered road, which can be driven at high speed without any unsettling bumps for his passengers, in short, a race track; the narrow, scenic road winding through the mountains will not be considered a beautiful road.

  Owners of new Alfa Romeos are recommended by the company’s manual to drive in a certain way to get the best performance and life expectancy from their vehicle: they should not drive too close to the car in front, they should not accelerate or brake suddenly between traffic lights; they should not corner at high speed, and so on… In other words they should not drive as Italians.

  “Vehicles with out-of-town plates are regarded as fair game by both local drivers and traffic police.”

  Country bumpkins who drive in Italian cities need to remember two basic rules: vehicles with out-of-town plates are regarded as fair game by both local drivers and traffic police; and traffic police enforce the traffic laws as and when they wish. It is said that in Naples there are only two kinds of traffic lights: those that are there for decoration and those that are merely a suggestion.

  Driving in the countryside can be entertaining, too, particularly when you don’t know where you’re going. Italian sign painters specialise in artistic roadsigns designed not to help motorists, but to be appreciated as masterpieces of art by those who live nearby. Fortunately it is not easy to get lost in Italy, as long as you already know the way and remember that, despite the efforts of the autostrada administration to convince drivers that they do, not all roads lead to Rome.

  Manners

  Italians are courteous people, and well-mannered. Greetings are important and, since the Italians are very physical, hand-shaking and kissing are the norm. They convey genuine
warmth and pleasure at seeing people again, even if they have seen them the day before or even that morning. Kissing is on both cheeks and there are no taboos about men greeting each other this way. Hand-shaking has the added advantage of revealing that neither party is holding a weapon.

  “They convey genuine warmth and pleasure at seeing people again even if they have seen them the day before or that morning.”

  The Italians are enthusiastic and call one another cara and bella (darling and beautiful) at the drop of a hat. Yet before crossing someone’s threshold they will ask “Permesso?” (May I have permission?). Ciao is an informal greeting used both on meeting and on departure. Buongiorno (Good day) is used for most of the day until a certain point in the late afternoon, when people will greet each other with Buonasera (Good evening), as if the afternoon did not exist. They are much more rigid about the difference between evening and night, and “What did you do last night?” will be regarded as a nosy or even impertinent question, but “What did you do yesterday evening?” won’t raise any eyebrows at all.

  It Italy there are three possible forms of addressing others: the tu, voi and lei forms. The tu form is used in the family, by young people with one another, by adults who know each other well, and by colleagues. Formal conversation traditionally requires the use of surnames, and informal the use of first names, but in recent years a mixing of forms has come into use. So the travel agent or mechanic might refer to her or himself as Maria Cristina or Sergio, but still call their customers Dottor Rossi or Signora Ferrari, and the lei form would be used in conversation.

  “Honorary titles are also used for famous people, so Giovanni Agnelli used to be referred to as l’avvocato (the Lawyer) and Silvio Berlusconi is il cavaliere (the Knight).”

  Strangers are addressed as signor and signora. Signora is generally used even if the woman is technically signorina (an unmarried one). Professional titles are much more widely used than in Britain and America. Dottore is not used just for medical doctors, but for any form of graduate; professore is the term for all teachers, not just at university; not only composers, but craftsmen and even judo teachers, are called maestro; ingegnere is very highly prized, reflecting the high status that engineering graduates enjoy. Professional or honorary titles are also often used for famous people, so Giovanni Agnelli used to be referred to as l’avvocato (the Lawyer) and Silvio Berlusconi is il cavaliere (the Knight). Nobody minds if

  the professional titles are not used in exactly the right way, as long as they flatter the recipient.

  Grazie and prego are the mainstay of Italian manners, but it is not considered rude to ask for a coffee in a bar by saying in a loud voice, “A coffee”; one is buying a service and being over-polite could be considered as false politeness and therefore rude.

  “If they are not sorry, they feel they don’t need to say anything, and if they are sorry, they can say it in the confessional.”

  Italians are incapable of saying sorry in the usual sense; if they are not sorry, they feel they don’t need to say anything, and if they are sorry, they can say it in the confessional.

  Etiquette

  Punctuality is only relatively important in Italy and the time is often treated as approximate. Being late for appointments is tolerated rather than welcomed – a quarter of an hour is acceptable, but half an hour is not. So university professors can turn up for their lectures up to a quarter of an hour after the scheduled start, but if they pass that deadline they might find the lecture theatre empty.

  Italians could never be considered good at queuing: in fact the idea of standing in line tends to make them laugh. The scrummage that occurs while waiting to go on the chairlift at ski resorts, or to buy tickets for a football match or a concert, occasionally creates real problems. The introduction of number dispensers in some of the places where the worst fights used to break out, such a public office or a fish counter, is to some extent solving the problem. People enjoy collecting the tickets and like the implied ‘fair play’. What could be fairer than arriving early at the office, getting a ticket, going out to do some shopping or to have a cappuccino and then returning to the office just in time for their number to be called.

  Family Matters

  The family is far and away the most important social, economic, organisational and political unit in Italy.

  “The family is far and away the most important social, economic, organisational and political unit in Italy.”

  The nuclear family is divided into: the father, the head of the family, who thinks he does all the work and decision-making; the mother, who in actual fact does all the hard work and takes all the important decisions; the sons, who are always spoilt and never really learn how to compete efficiently; and the daughters, who are never spoilt and as a result are far more capable than their brothers with whom they have to compete at a disadvantage from a very early age.

  The extended family is a very large-scale social unit, including all possible relatives. It is seen at christenings, weddings, and funerals, and generally involves large numbers of people.

  Family functions are occasions of enormous ostentation and generosity, where the pecking order of power and wealth in the family is carefully evaluated. An Italian will even go as far as to pretend to be seriously ill in order not to go to a second cousin’s wedding where he fears he might cut a brutta figura if he hasn’t enough money for an expensive present and a new suit.

  “Family functions are occasions where the pecking order of power and wealth in the family is carefully evaluated.”

  The Italian family is a highly sophisticated network of patronage and power held together by a complex system of exchanging presents and performing favours. Going against the wishes of the family is hard and in reality so difficult for most Italians that few are inclined to try.

  Women

  Italian women are brilliant actresses. Although they are completely emancipated and behave exactly as they want, when and where they want, they go through life pretending that they are quiet and subservient and that Italian men rule the roost.

  “Their men-folk have been so mollycoddled as children that they are able to do very little for themselves.”

  It is really only an act, for Italian women rule the family. Italian girlfriends and wives know that image is important to their men, so they let them think they are big, macho, decision-makers. However, they also know that their men-folk have been so mollycoddled as children that they are able to do very little for themselves apart from looking good, drinking coffee, fathering children, and then playing with the children’s toys. Italian women know all this because they have always taken great care to pamper their male children, thereby rendering them almost completely dependent. The secret of power is handed on by one generation of Italian women to the next: faking subservience is a small price to pay for power in the family.

  Mummy’s boys

  Italian males rarely leave the nest and, even when they do, these mammoni (Mummy’s boys) usually only move into the house across the road, or the flat next door. Statistics show that nearly 40% of Italians in their early thirties still live at home with their parents.

  Behind every great Italian man there is a great Italian woman, sometimes his wife or his mistress, but usually his mother. The Italian male grows up thinking his mother is the Virgin Mary, and so naturally he thinks he is Jesus, or God’s gift to the world anyway, or to its womenfolk at least.

  It is not surprising that Italian males find it very difficult to leave home. Their mothers make it hard for them to do so by making sure that their sons are so cosseted that they have no real wish to leave. Even when they are married, they continue to behave as if they aren’t, taking their clothes home at least once a week for their mother to wash and iron.

  “The Italian male grows up thinking his mother is the Virgin Mary, and so naturally he thinks he is Jesus, or God’s gift to the world anyway.”

  They end up treating home as a hotel, just like teenagers in northern European countri
es. Why give up a life of luxury and financial security with a woman who treats you as the Son of God for an uncertain future with a woman who might ask you do things around the house that you have never learnt to do, like making your bed or drying the dishes?

  In fact young Italian males have no choice. Not only is there little tradition of living away from home during their student years, but it is unusual to find decent jobs until they are in their thirties. Furthermore, the absence of suitably priced accommodation makes it practically impossible for them to afford to move out. They find themselves caught in a trap; wanting to live on their own, but unable to leave the nest and under fire for not doing so. And the catch might not end there: these days a third of all Italian marriages end in divorce, in many cases because the wives feel unable to compete with the mothers of their mammoni.

  Children

  “Italian children are allowed to be both seen and heard; in fact, they must be both seen and heard.”

  Italian children are allowed to be both seen and heard; in fact, they must be both seen and heard, and be on show all the time, except, of course, between 2 and 5 p.m., when they should be having their afternoon nap. All Italian children take a siesta, which means they are not too tired to take part in the passeggiata, when all over Italy people begin moving into the empty streets, to see and be seen, after the sun has begun to lose its heat. Many Italians never lose the habit of taking an afternoon nap, which might explain why they and their children still seem to have boundless energy at midnight.

  There is just one problem though: the number of bambini is on the decline. One explanation is the cost: designer baby clothes and foods can be a heavy burden on the family budget; another is that spending time with their children might cramp their parents’ social style. So children are dressed as miniature adults and exposed to most aspects of adult life. They are welcomed at restaurants and expected to be present at all family activities and functions. They grow up much faster than their northern European peers and at an early age develop the key skills necessary for ‘getting by’ and for performing on the great stage of life.