Xenophobe's Guide to the Italians Read online

  “Italian children at an early age develop the key skills necessary for ‘getting by’.”

  Italians are on the whole wonderful with children, even with obstreperous and ugly ones. As the old Neapolitan saying runs, ‘Ogni scarafone è bello a mamma soja’ – ‘Every beetle is beautiful to its mother’.

  Grandparents

  Generally wielding the financial power and patronage within the family, the nonni (grandparents) are careful to indulge their grandchildren and inculcate in them the importance of returning favours for presents, thereby ensuring that when they, in turn, become nonni, their families will look after them well.

  Belonging to an Italian family is a cradle to the grave contractual agreement.

  Animals

  For the Italians animals must have a practical use. Dogs must be able to bark at strangers and so be justified as guard dogs. Cats must be able to keep the mice at bay. Pets must amuse the children or perform a role as a fashion accessory. If animals fit none of these categories then they can only serve one purpose, they must be for eating.

  “The Italians will kill and eat almost anything that runs, flies or swims.”

  The Italians will kill and eat almost anything that runs, flies or swims. When the shooting season starts in September, the Italian male will dress up as a hunter, go to the countryside and blast away at everything that moves. Then he will return home triumphant in the evening with three dead skylarks and two dead hedgehogs. These will be served up to the family with enormous pride at lunch the next day – at last il papà has done something useful for the family.

  Friends

  The importance of friendship may be over-shadowed by the role of the family, but it plays a key role in Italian society. Italians are highly gregarious people and love belonging to groups or cliques. The idea of belonging to a group is seen as natural and essential.

  ‘Real’ friendships are usually formed early on in life, at school or with neighbours, and tend to be lifelong and important. Groups of old friends are often comparatively closed and admit few new members.

  Other ‘real’ friends can be made at university, at work, playing sport, and so on, but tend to be more rare. These friendships should perhaps be considered ‘useful’ rather than ‘real’. Most adult Italians belong to a whole network of ‘useful’ friendships: the good dentist who will extract your teeth ‘at half-price’, the smart lawyer who will present your case free of charge, the lady in the bread shop who will always keep a loaf of your favourite bread.

  “Most adult Italians belong to a whole network of ‘useful’ friendships.”

  Then there are ‘dangerous’ friendships – those you would be better off without, often linked to ‘offers you can’t refuse’. The sister of one of Italy’s most famous judges, who was killed by a car bomb while leading the Palermo courts in their fight against the mafia, is continuing her brother’s fight. She says she has few friends, commenting that it is exactly when people start being too friendly that you really have to worry.

  Visitors sometimes accuse the Italians of wearing their hearts on their sleeves, but this ‘superficial’ friendliness is often misunderstood. They are being treated as friends without anything but friendship being expected in return, something that Italians rarely grant each other. There are no strings attached: they will not be asked to help Salvatore’s second cousin Concetta find a job when she comes to their country in the spring.

  Home

  “Much of Italian life is lived in public, and so the home tends to be treated like a star’s dressing room where Italians go to change and relax between acts.”

  The Italians are eminently practical, and everything must have its use. Italian homes tend to be small and beautifully looked after, with the number of rooms kept to a minimum. Guest bedrooms are rare – “They can stay in a hotel, can’t they?” Much of Italian life is lived in public, and so the home tends to be treated like a star’s dressing room where Italians go to change and relax between acts. Most homes have one room where visitors can be welcomed which contains all the best furniture and pictures. However, this is usually off-limits to the family and so rarely used that in winter it is freezing cold; there seems no sense in heating it.

  Many Italian families have a second or even third home, at the seaside or in the mountains. These are generally small, one- or two-room apartments with bunk beds where the whole family can sleep on holiday.

  Land tends to be considered much too valuable for growing flowers (unless, of course, they can be sold), so Italian gardens are almost always kitchen gardens, and the Italians are brilliant at growing large quantities of wonderful fruit and vegetables on tiny plots of land, or even on their balconies.

  Obsessions

  Outsmarting other Italians

  Outsmarting other Italians, who can then be mocked as slow and gullible (or fesso), is central to the Italian psyche, and is generally regarded as a positive virtue, as long as it is successful. Thus Italians rather admire and even envy the clever dick (il furbo) who connives to get to the front of the traffic jam and then jumps the red light and goes roaring off ahead of everyone else.

  “Italians grow up knowing that they have to be economical with the truth.”

  If he is seen by the traffic police, chased and stopped, the furbo will then swear blind that his wife is about to give birth, and that he has to get home as fast as possible to get her to the maternity hospital, and go roaring off again, with a police escort. Anything goes in the pursuit of outsmarting others, from the bending of rules whenever possible, to the telling of lies. Italians grow up knowing that they have to be economical with the truth. All other Italians are, so if they didn’t play the game they would be at a serious disadvantage. They have to fabricate to keep one step ahead.

  Not getting away with something is the main risk involved, but it is generally regarded as an acceptable one. After all, that ticket for shooting the lights might never need to be paid, especially if the driver’s cousin who works in the police department reminds the traffic policeman that they both support the same football team and lets him know that the driver just happens to have a spare ticket for the big match on Sunday afternoon.

  “Losing face is considered far worse than being found out.”

  Losing face is considered far worse than being found out, and Italians will often make and accept a whole series of what seem to be completely unnecessary or highly improbable excuses in order not to be seen to be at fault. Convenient euphemisms like, “I mislaid your phone number” or “Your letter never arrived”, are so much easier to say than admitting that you underestimated the importance of a swift reply, and thus appearing a complete fesso.

  Avoiding tax

  Italy has the greatest number of taxes and some of the highest rates of taxation in Europe, but this is not a problem because Italians are famous for not paying them. The government takes this into consideration when calculating their demands. This has led to some misunderstandings. When Trieste passed from the Austro-Hungarian Empire to Italy in 1918, the people paid the taxes they were asked to pay. The tax inspectors immediately asked them to pay double the next year, working on the principle that people never paid more than 50% of what they could pay.

  By and large salaried workers are unable to avoid paying taxes as these are deducted at source. Freelancers and the self-employed however do their best to avoid declaring anything more than minimal earnings, which enables them to benefit from Italy’s welfare system which is weighted in favour of those with lower incomes.

  “It is estimated that up to a third of Italy’s economic activity is carried out unofficially.”

  Servicing the Italian national debt is no easy job, and the government often has recourse to financial amnesties to bring in revenue; for example, a building amnesty permitted all those who had broken the laws relating to construction to regularise their position by paying a fine. These amnesties are quite successful in raising money, but the reverse side is that they tend to encourage other
s to risk breaking the law, so the cycle continues. They also help to explain the building speculation, often executed with an almost total absence of planning permission, which has ruined some of Italy’s most beautiful beaches.

  It is estimated that up to a third of Italy’s economic activity is carried out unofficially and so is outside the reach of the official statistics and thus, by implication, of the tax office. This economia sommersa (hidden economy) is made up of nero (black-work, i.e., moonlighting) at all levels (not only the plumber, but the surgeon, too, will work in nero whenever possible) and of income from criminal activities (drug smuggling, cigarette smuggling, prostitution, bribes). It explains why though their country is always on the verge of bankruptcy, Italians manage to look so affluent.

  Security – the key factor

  Italians are obsessed with security. They have to be for crime is rampant. In Turin alone a car theft can occur every hour, a bag snatching every hour and a half, and a burglary every two hours. These days pickpocketing in the cities has reached levels the Artful Dodger would be proud of, and street robbery and break-ins are too commonplace for comment. So Italians invest in wonderful alarm systems and padlocks, turning their houses and shops into miniature fortresses.

  Yet there are often weak points. Incredibly well-secured doors will only be held in place by the flimsiest hinges, and that car alarm, which is so sensitive even a light shower of rain will set it off, may never be switched on.

  Love

  Love is taken very seriously by Italians – 99% of all their songs are about love – and it is endlessly thought about and debated, for after all, what is life without amore?

  The debate covers a large number of key issues: What effect does falling in love have on your diet? Is love good for your health? Is love possible without sex? Is sex possible without love? Is universal love possible? And what about free love? Whole television series are devoted to couples in love, couples out of love, couples looking for love, children and love, elderly people and love, and so on. The subject has endless scope and involves the entire nation.

  “Whether or not Latins really are dynamic lovers, Italians bask in the glory achieved by their forebears and millions of people continue to think that they are.”

  Italian men are expected to behave in a certain way. The very popular former President, Sandro Pertini, was a happily married man whose private and public morality nobody would have dreamt of criticising. When, in his mid-seventies, while admiring the latest Alfa Romeo sports car he was heard to say: ‘What a beautiful car – not for one’s wife, of course!’, he was just being very Italian.

  Whether or not Latins really are dynamic lovers, Italians bask in the glory achieved by their forebears and millions of people continue to think that they are. However, it seems that trying to live up to their reputation causes widespread problems. Long articles appear now and then in the press with statistics on the high numbers of male Italians who suffer from impotence. But help is at hand with high performance wonder drugs like viagra whose Italian sales are breaking all records.

  Most verbal insults are related to sexual behaviour. Men will accuse women of free and easy sexual morals, calling them puttana (whore) and so on. When and if women swear, they tend to attack the virility of men by calling them gay, old, or impotent. Nevertheless, the legend of the Latin Lover lives on, and Italian males can read other articles in the newspapers with greater satisfaction, like the one reporting the comforting fact that Italian condoms are half a centimetre longer than those used in other countries.

  Betrayal

  Love is linked to another national obsession, betrayal. Betrayal, or rather fear of betrayal, is what keeps relationships passionate in Italy, and what is love without passion?

  “Fear of betrayal, is what keeps relationships passionate in Italy, and what is love without passion?”

  Magazines such as Italian Cosmopolitan regularly reveal that large numbers of Italian husbands betray their wives, and vice versa. Despite this, betrayal is still a dangerous game in Italy: enraged fathers, brothers, uncles and cousins will not think twice before resorting to violence to defend the honour of the family. Italians are famous for la vendetta, and many a blood feud is begun which can continue for generations, or at least until the original cause has long since been forgotten.

  Sense of Humour

  “As they also have great respect for the role they are playing, they prefer not to ruin the effect with levity.”

  Italians have a good sense of humour and are able to laugh at themselves as well as at others. But as they also have great respect for the role they are playing, they prefer not to ruin the effect with levity. They are very conscious of public dignity and, when playing an institutional part, will act it with great formality and aplomb. It’s an attitude that explains why the law professor will not lard his lectures with wisecracks. This often means that Italian academic papers and conferences can be among the most serious and thus most tedious in the world. You might hear an occasional vein of discreetly veiled irony in the comments and presentation, but you have to listen hard for it.

  Cartoonists satirise political figures and situations with devastating irony. Italian newspapers have developed political cartoons to a fine art because the crime of vilipendio – which makes those who insult politicians or public officials in writing liable to prosecution on criminal charges – does not include drawn illustrations. Italians enjoy seeing themselves through another’s eyes.

  They get a further running commentary in the press from Italian cartoonist, Altan, whose pithy observations on their character are sent from his comfortable perch in Brazil. Here are two examples:

  Two builders wearing their origami hats (builders in Italy will fold a newspaper page into the shape of a boat, and wear it as a sunhat) are sitting on a pile of bricks having their lunch. One is reading an old newspaper: “It says here that the Italians are a bunch of individualists.” “Who cares?” says the other. “That’s their business.”

  A conversation between two young women, reflecting on the antics of their lovers: “One has to admit that Italian men are extraordinary,” says one. “Definitely,” says the other, “I only wish they were normal.”

  The Italians’ obsession with keeping an eye on their neighbours is reflected by their humour, which has few jokes about other nationalities, but lots about other Italians. For example, one that reflects their belief that the people from Genoa are generally regarded as being stingier than the Scots:

  Having decided to hang a picture in the living room, a Genoese father says to his son, “Go and ask the neighbours if we can borrow their hammer”. The boy returns empty-handed: “They say they’re sorry but they can’t find it.” “Bloody mean of them,” says the father. “OK, go and get ours, then.”

  Leisure & Pleasure

  The Italians live life to the full, and do not feel in the least bit guilty leading a life of leisure and pleasure 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. This is what life is all about: Italians do not live to work, they work to live.

  Shopping

  Italians love shopping. Their cities are full of wonderful craftsmen and skilled tailors, as well as shops catering for every taste and whim. The quality and luxury of the goods on display in the main streets is stunning. As are the price tags. But although only the rich and famous will actually enter Prada, Gucci, Armani, Versace, Dolce & Gabbana and Valentino to buy, Italians are not put off for they know that the end price of the goods on display could turn out be very different, especially when sooner or later they could turn up in the sales or in a street market.

  Shopping is considered fun, especially at the markets where there are real bargains to be found, but one should never enquire too deeply into the provenance of the goods. As long as it fits, does it really matter that the beautiful little black Moschino cocktail dress being offered to you at 90 euros is the same as the one you saw on sale in the Via Veneto last night at 990 euros? Of course, the risk is yours, and that
real bargain could just as easily be a real fake.

  “Italians will sell anything and everything, from their grandmother to their next-door neighbour – at the right price, of course.”

  Haggling is acceptable in the markets, and customers are expected to ask for a discount in shops. Italians will sell anything and everything, from their grandmother to their next-door neighbour – at the right price, of course. In Naples, for example, the street kids will unscrew your car number plate at one set of traffic lights and sell it back to you at the next, with a smile and, naturally, at a bargain price.

  Sport

  Football is far and away the most important sport in Italy. Matches are played on Sunday afternoons and Italian men are often to be seen holding radios to their ears as they take their family out for a Sunday afternoon stroll. When the national team is playing in the World Cup, the whole nation comes to a halt and everybody forgets their regional differences – in front of the television. The only other sport taken seriously at a national level is cycling, and the progress of the Italian competitors in the Giro d’Italia and the Tour de France is followed (despite doping scandals), with rapt attention.

  “Beautifully dressed Italian joggers are easily overtaken by the average walker.”